Saying yes

Permission, getting out of our own way and an invitation to fulfil that yearn

Today as I found myself lying on a massage table in midst of a beautiful room filled with scents of sage and roses and sounds of drums and singing bowls all while receiving a delightful .. let’s call it treatment - truthfully it was an entire journey, but that’s for another day - I thought about permission.

Not permission as in waiting for someone to allow us to do something, but the kind of permission we grant ourselves for all sorts of things.

Like Art. Writing. Painting. Pottering. Starting a business. Quitting a job. Going for a run. Booking a massage.

Anything, really.

While I was beginning to melt into my own body, I thought of you - this community, our community here - and how you gave me permission in some way, shape or form.

It was in fact you, who made me value my writing in a way to allow myself to receive contributions for it. It was you, who believed and trusted in me, so much so you decided to show your support by subscribing, commenting, participating and some also by financially supporting this dream of mine. And even though, I know quite well that without giving myself the permission to write and step onto this platform first, none of that would’ve happened, it felt and still feels very expansive for me.

Not because I didn’t believe in it, because I definitely did. I had been writing for many years, however for free on other platforms that don’t value writing for what it is. Truthfully it isn’t just mere words on a page, it’s art. It’s an invitation to heal and connect. It’s creating community and opens conversations. It does many things, many of which deserve to be supported.

The reason it felt big was because I still get stunned by the fact that so many of us devalue our talents and our passions. So many of us are afraid of the judgement or the failure that might await us if we go after our dreams, big or small, and our desires to relief that tense anticipation of beginning something we have longed for for so long.

How often, truthfully, have you stopped yourself from going after a dream/ desire because it felt too big, too far fetched or “not for someone like you”?

I lay there pondering and thinking about how long I personally waited to be bold and began sharing my writings and how many of us might still sit on the fence, waiting to begin something, waiting for a sign or a certain someone to tell us to go and do that thing (for me this week it was to start my book).

So today - on this warm and sunny Wednesday, while I’m typing away in between playing fire trucks and making snacks - I want to return the favour you so generously gifted me. But instead of handing you an invisible permission slip - that you wouldn’t ever really need because you already know in your heart, that what you are dreaming of doing every single day, is the thing for you - I want you to take a deep breath, feel into your heart, tell yourself that you are worthy and then hand that permission slip to yourself.

I remember just how I felt before quitting university, before boarding that plane that led me to a whole new world and life. Before buying a caravan as a new family with all the money we had left, or before starting a photography business with absolutely no clue what I was doing. Before starting yoga teacher training and before starting another business. Truthfully, before anything important and significant, that made me want to run and hide.

There was uncertainty and underlying fears.

There were doubts. And many what if’s.

However for my entire life I had always told myself that the only “what if” I never wanted to ask myself was “What if I had just tried ..”.

Throughout our lifetime, however many years we may be blessed with here on earth, we tend to try a lot of things. And at times (probably more often than not) we fail. Then we learn and grow from the failure and begin again. But we do it. At least some of us will.

And thinking back, I tried so many things. And so many have failed or didn’t go to plan. Many of them I just did for the sake of trying something new, to follow my curiosity. Some I did because I still had been - in Anne Lamott’s words - “the version I agreed to be, not the one I was born to be”.

While I am now watching my kids run after our dog, who yet again stole one of their toys and is trying to claim it as his own, I am inviting you to try. To go out there and do the thing you’ve been aching to do.

However big or small.

Whether it turns out to be an absolute failure or huge success.

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter what it turns out to be? Or is it of more value to follow the curiosity and burning desire within our heart to be who we were born to be regardless of the outcome?

It might be claiming some time for you - the mother - to nourish yourself.

It might be beginning a painting despite the doubts that you aren’t an artist.

It might be telling someone the truth that has been aching to leave your body.

It might be writing the first pages of a book you’ve been longing to get out into the world.

It might be composing a song, or starting guitar lessons.

It might be taking a cooking class, quitting your job, or starting a new venture.

It might be leaving everything behind to board a plane into the unknown.

Whatever it is for you, allow yourself to do the one thing you’re afraid to do.

Truth is, we never know what’s around the corner.

For me - after countless failures - it was a lover, a best friend, two beautiful children, many animals, work that fulfils me, a heart filled with dreams and bravery to go after them all.

But that took many years. Many tries and many failures. Many tears and many times picking myself up off the floor after thinking I couldn’t possibly go on.

And all that will be repeated many times over in the years to come, I’m sure of it.

If there’s one thing you could do today to go after that desire, what would it be? What is your heart yearning for? And what is stopping you from fulfilling that yearn?

…

A Wednesday letter that longed to be expressed, after being so gently guided into relaxation and healing. I trust it was what was needed today. Even if just for one of you.

Thank you for being here!
All my love,
Claudia x